Dynasty Carbonbased Life Forms
by Vanishing Goose
Summary: The Dynasty Warriors vs. Modern Suburbia. A little language and a lotta violence. Chapter 2 up!!!
1. The Beginning of the End

"Dynasty Carbon-based Life Forms"  
by Vanishing Goose  
  
Characters a trademark of the Three Kingdoms Era. Guan Yu will travel forward in time and destroy you if you say you invented him. And stuff. I guess Koei and Omega Force deserve a metric buttload of credit for making such an incredible game. Kudos. And stuff.  
  
This entire story is Copyrighted by me. No, I don't have a paper signifying it, but look at it this way; I'll use my True Musou on you if you take it. It involves Saran-Wrap, a bucket full of moldy honey, and a paint-roller. Are we clear on that?  
  
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LüBu was sitting on his large, red, sit-down lawnmower, wearing a red baseball cap that said "Dynasty Mowing : "Humble the Rebels", with long decorative pheasant-tails streaming behind it. His former employer, Dong Zhuo of "Heartless Tyrant Pizza" (motto: "If you don't like it, we'll mutilate you and say you were bandits!"), had came down with a slight case of death after Lü was offered a very shiny, 500 lawn-a-day sit-down lawnmower, "Red Snapare" in exchange for his loyalty.  
  
He was single-handedly monopolizing the lawn-mowing business in this suburban area, and he was carrying his "Lunar Rake" in his right hand to clear out the fall-season leaves. Little did he realize that he was being watched.  
  
Lui Bei: "He has taken over 80 of our customers; we must act."  
Zhang Fei: (bangs his head against a rock in a futile attempt to remove his hangover)  
Guan Yu: "Zhang Fei, remember our oath?"  
  
(FLASHBACK)  
  
Lui Bei the landscaper, Zhang Fei the mass-murderer, and Guan Yu the fourth member of ZZ-Top sit at the gardening section of Home Depot, sacrificing a teddy bear that Guan Yu won from one of those claw-machines.  
  
All: "We swear an oath of brotherhood, by the blood and stuffing of the 'Ty' Corporation teddy bear."  
Guan Yu: "Hey look, its name was 'Snuffles', and it had a little poem:   
  
Isn't he precious?  
His name is Snuffley-Wuffley  
You remove this tag  
And we'll kick your ass 'till its puffey."  
Lui Bei: "I think they've run out of ideas."  
  
(END FLASHBACK)  
  
Zhang Fei: "I think I was drunk."  
Lui Bei: "You can do better than that; the only times you weren't drunk was right after your umbilical cord was cut and that time you murdered all the neighborhood children in that apartment complex out west."  
Zhang Fei: "Ahh...... good times."  
Guan Yu: "No more reminiscing, we must act now!" (strikes a pose and trips on his beard) "Fuck!"  
Lui Bei: (helping Guan Yu up) "Now now, my oath-brother, we can't just charge recklessly into...."  
Zhang Fei: "DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (floors the gas-pedal of his sit-down lawnmower, flailing his wood-handled broom wildly)  
Guan Yu and Lui Bei: "Oh well"  
  
Guan Yu and Lui Bei follow Zhang Fei's charge on their own lawnmowers, Guan Yu wielding a large tree-branch, and Lui Bei holding half of a pool cue.  
  
LüBu notices the coming onslaught, so he takes up a combat position and slashes the toddler playing in the yard a few feet away  
  
LüBu: "RAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!! GET OUT OF MY WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Guan Yu strikes first with his branch, bouncing easily off of the metal-end of Lü's rake. Zhang Fei expertly spins his broom before passing out and crashing into the front door. Lui Bei bravely jumps off of his lawn-mower and manages to whack Lü's right knuckle before hitting the concrete sidewalk head first.  
  
Lui Bei: "Ahhh...... my brain...... My brain is the foundation of my body. I can't seem to protect it"  
  
LüBu: "I have no time for the likes of you!"  
  
Lü drives his lawnmower down the street at an adrenaline-pumping 3 miles per hour, while Guan Yu attempts to revive his injured oath brothers.  
  
LüBu passes by an police officer on his break, and swings his rake at his head, smacking the officer in the face and knocking him unconscious. The body evaporates. Lü continues driving down the street.  
  
LüBu (to no-one in particular): "I defeated an officer!"  
  
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End of part 1! Rate, review, criticize. I will destroy all of you! HA HA HA!!!!! 


	2. The Brief Departure From the Haven That ...

"Dynasty Carbon-based Life Forms"  
by Vanishing Goose  
  
Chapter 2 - "More Stuff Dies"  
  
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Zhao Yun walked into the failing lawn-care business of Lui Bei, dressed in blue, white, and gold battle robes, hair tied back in a ponytail. Yun rang the little bell at the desk and Lui Bei stumbled into the lobby, discarding an inflatable wife.  
  
"May I help you mada....? uhh.... sir...... ummm.... What's your name?"  
  
(CUE THEME SONG)  
All the guys turn and say "Who's that hun?"  
It's Zhao Yun!  
All the gals turn and say "I think he's the one!"  
Zhao Yun!  
Male or Female  
Just do notl get impaled  
Freud has nothing on Zhao Yun  
And Roseanne weighs a metric TON!!!  
(END THEME SONG)  
  
Lui Bei: "So uhhh...... can I get you a magazine while you wait? Uhh.... Cosmopolitan? Sports Illustrated?"  
Zhao Yun: "What about 'Newsweek'?"  
Lui Bei: "Right....."  
Zhao Yun: "I was just wondering if you guys could trim my hedges"  
Zhang Fei (spitting up 4 gallons of beer): "WHAT!?"  
Zhao Yun: "You know, on my lawn..... in front of my house?"  
Zhang Fei: "Oh.... yeah.... uhhh.... sure"  
Lui Bei: "It's our policy that we get ID..... so just pull it out of your wallet.... or purse....."  
Zhao Yun: "You joker, you know I carry my ID in my pocket!"  
  
Zhao Yun holds out the ID card to Lui Bei, thumb covering up the 'Sex' part.  
  
Zhou Yu (walking in): "Hey everyone! Who wants to go get a massage?"  
Lui Bei and Zhang Fei: "Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Lui Bei and Zhang Fei take refuge in the back room.  
  
[INTERMISSION]  
Are neighborhood children giving you trouble? Call Nanman Home Protection Agency, where our vine-laced uniforms can't be penetrated by even the strongest of BB guns.  
  
Nanman Home Protection Agency; "Don't make the same mistake Zhuge Liang did!"  
  
[/INTERMISSION]  
  
Lui Bei and Zhang Fei are cowering in the closet.  
  
Lui Bei: "They've joined against us!"  
Zhang Fei (growling): "Leave them to me! Not even a DOG SHALL PASS!"  
CATS: "Ha ha ha! I are call your bluff of their dog cat! All your lawnmower are shall belong to me and other guy that there!"  
Lui Bei: "It's you!"  
CATS: "How are you gentlemen!"  
Zhang Fei: "I told you we should've fired him....."  
Lui Bei: "I dunno, I like his attitude... he's polite."  
  
Suddenly, an F-16 with pheasant tails streaming from the nose enters a bombing dive, dropping powerful bombs around the area, completely destroying a good section of that part of town.  
  
LüBu (piloting the F-16): "RAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!!"  
  
LüBu turns the plane upside turn and pulls the ejection seat. He launches straight down through the skylight into Lui Bei's lawncare business' lobby.  
  
LüBu: "RAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!! I am here to end this rivalry once and for all! COME, RED SNAPARE!!!!"  
  
Lü's large, red, sit-down lawnmower putts slowly through the door to the lobby on its own. LüBu mounts it, and holds his rake out.  
  
LüBu: "Is any man brave enough to fight me?"  
  
Zhao Yun and Zhou Yu ignore him.  
  
LüBu: "Will ANYONE fight me?"  
  
Zhao Yun: (turning head towards LüBu) "If you want something, you can stop shouting about it..... that's what my parents always taught me when I was fighting with my siblings."  
  
LüBu: "Do you take the challenge then? Are you man enough?"  
  
Zhao Yun: "Hardly"  
  
LüBu stares, speechless.  
  
LüBu: "That wasn't the answer I was expecting.....  
  
Zhao Yun: "Well, I'm just full of surprises...."  
  
LüBu: "This is getting too damned weird....... I'm gonna go pick a fight with someone more masculine...."  
  
LüBu drives his lawnmower out into the street and off in the direction of Cao Cao's pizza parlor.  
  
Lui Bei jumps out of the back room and embraces Zhao Yun in the hug.  
  
Lui Bei: "You saved us all! How can I repay you?"  
  
Zhao Yun: "I just finished my jogging..... wanna go get some smoothies?"  
  
Zhou Yu: "Yeah! Let's go, my bestest friend in the whole wide world!"  
  
Lui Bei: "Err.......yeah! Zhang Fei, let's get you a vodka smoothie!"  
  
Zhang Fei: "WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"  
  
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Introducing a new feature: The Thought of the Day!  
  
TotD = If there was beer on the sun, you'd probably need ice.  
  
End of part 2! Rate, review, criticize. I will destroy all of you! HA HA HA!!!!! 


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